Finding my way back to myself through solitude

I’ve come to find some solitude in a small local cemetery. It feels like a small pocket of peace in amongst a busy touristy area; no one has walked past once and everything seems quite distant from here. There’s a breeze rustling the leaves, mottled sunshine peaking through the trees and I’m surrounded by a grass meadow with buzzing insects all around. This meadow is full of life; ironic I know, given the fact that I’m sat on top of a fallen down gravestone.

The peaceful view from my perch on a fallen gravestone

I wanted this blog to be honest and a space where I can be myself and I don’t have to pretend everything is perfect. I’m writing after a period of not writing anything at all and I’ve got out of all the habits that were really helping me to feel better. It started when I got a common cold and was in bed for a few days. After that I felt unmotivated and depressed a lot and couldn’t get myself out of this state. I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings, slept badly, ate foods that didn’t agree with me. I did spend time feeling annoyed with myself as it’s now costing me so much more effort to create new healthy habits again. But now I think it’s time to have some self compassion and accept I’m human and that this is a part of life. As I’m sat here enjoying the peace around me, I realise how vital solitude is for me and for me to actively seek this out regularly. If I don’t, my mind will never fully get the rest it needs and the chance to truly let go. I love just allowing my thoughts to go anywhere without restriction or fear to hold me back. I often find anxiety stops me from thinking about certain subjects because I’m afraid it’ll be too painful or sad. But allowing my mind to wander without restriction allows me to process what I need for that day. I realise how much I imprison myself with the restrictions I place on myself.

I wonder if this is how new healthy habits are formed, by listening to what my body is telling me at any given moment, so that it almost feels natural. Yesterday evening I decided to pick up my guitar again after a long time of not playing. It felt so natural and I knew I was meant to play, I could sense my natural understanding of the music, it just felt right. Similar to my seeking out solitude in the graveyard, which also felt completely natural and soothing to my mind. I know I will always seek out these things. Even after a period of abstinence, I will always find my way back to these activities eventually because they are a part of me.

What are the things you gravitate towards that are authentic to you?