Journal of a neurodivergent - part 1
Something I’ve noticed recently is during work days in the afternoons I have a huge dip and I need a dopamine hit. I’ve always turned to food/snacking to give me a boost, but nothing stems the intense boredom for me. At those times it’s very hard to maintain a professionalism as I pretty much stop caring at that point. Focusing on my dreams sometimes helps, looking for other jobs or houses, but that’s my brain hoping for quick change that will create excitement within me and give me that dopamine hit. The only positive thing so far that I find helps is to do something creative. Whether that’s writing or creating essential oil blends, as long as it’s something different for my mind to focus on that retains my interest and is not boring to me.
I’m in the process of changing my career but in that awkward in between phase where I can’t quit my job yet, while I’m looking for other opportunities. It’s exciting but also frustrating as I am so painfully aware of how unsuitable my 9-5 job is at the moment. It requires a lot of multi-tasking, responding to constant requests from people and doesn’t allow for any creativity. I’m only just beginning to realise how I don’t thrive in a situation where too many demands are made of me and I have to prioritise constantly, all of which leads to me feeling constantly overwhelmed.
What I find helpful is my new daily journaling practice, regular routines around bed time and waking up and making time for walking and nature hikes. I know I’ll look back on this time with lots of self compassion knowing how challenging it felt, and that I did the best I could in the circumstances.
Peaceful spot where I like to sit under the oak tree to journal
Notes from the present: Re-reading this entry was quite helpful as I have recently been struggling a lot with motivation in my current job. I have been battling constant feelings of failure, overwhelm and fatigue and there has been a constant fear of being told I’m not up to the job. I have been working on self-care, calming my nervous system and ‘unmasking’ (working on presenting myself more authentically even if that means I might be misunderstood). This has meant I’ve said ‘no’ more often and I have started to take my time more over tasks rather than trying to complete tasks quickly. This will have brought out those fears of perhaps being noticed more, because I had always tried to keep up with the job and colleagues in the past in order not to be noticed. As I am learning to let go of that, there is a discomfort around being noticed as a bit different and awkward. Regularly practicing the above self-care routines has really helped me connect to myself and learn to let go of these old habits that weren’t serving me. I hope eventually I’ll be able to present myself more confidently in the world around me with self-compassion and without always trying to keep up or fit in.